Name Your Crazy

 

I think we can all admit we have a crazy side. And I don’t mean a crazy side that does stupid shit, I am talking about that side of us that keeps us from doing all the things we want to do in life. The crazy side that is consumed in fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of not being loved or validated (rejection again).  I am talking about that guy or girl that has been programmed SO deeply, that he/she believes their life is the way it is because they don’t deserve better and therefore have to life a shit life, stay in a shit relationship or be tortured in a shit job. 

Back when I was 22, I was fortunate enough to receive a 12 month dance scholarship.  This was my all-time dream come true.  Eight hours a day, six days a week, all I did was take class- until my body took a back road and hit a pothole herniating my L4, L5 vertebrates and leaving me pretty much immobile.  The director of the scholarship program gave me the option to forfeit my scholarship OR sit and watch every class until I could move again to fulfill my term.  You better believe I wasn’t gonna lose anything!  This was how “name your crazy” started for me.  I could NOT let my crazy get the best the of me while I sat on the sidelines and watched everyone do what I so desperately wanted to do. This is when my self help journey began.

Let me explain.

Think of your personality as 2 people- one is your “higher self” and the other is your “crazy self” or rather your “critter brain.”  The higher self is the one that guides you make the right choices, eat the right foods, love the right people, etc.  He/She is your gut, your intuition, your Oracle, your Obi Wan Kenobi.  Problem is, if this higher self is not exercised on the daily, the crazy critter personality jumps right in and tells you being miserable is what you deserve…THIS IS CRAZY!

Ya with me?  Somewhere in my self help book journey, I came across a concept about taking this fearful, insecure person and actually naming him/her.  What a concept.  Take all the things you dislike about yourself, put it into an actual visual person and give him/her a name. 

 Let me introduce you to “P.I.T.A” (Pain In The Ass.)  She is insecure, full of fear, riddled with anxiety and a total martyr.  She pockets happiness and lets her days slip away feeling unsatisfied and ungrateful for all the amazing gifts in her life.  She is a total asshole.

It took me, Jenna, awhile to really separate P.I.T.A from myself.  She was a stage 4 cling-on and repeatedly crapped all over my life.  I began to see how difficult she was making my life and I was actually suffering from physical pain in my body because of her.

Now that I had a name for her and I knew what she looked like, I could actually ask her to go sit in the corner, leave the room or often times I would physically flick her off my shoulder to shut her up.

I know this seems silly but let me tell you, I have done this for TWENTY+ years now and it works like a charm.  Do I still struggle with her daily?  You betcha!  She ain’t going nowhere (sadly).  But have I learned to silence her when she’s talking to loud or doing things she shouldn’t be doing (drinking too much)- you better believe it!

I was always told that I didn’t have the talent to be the professional dancer that I dreamed of being; that I didn’t have the technique or the flexibility to perform the way others did.  PITA was always right there telling me to give it up, go to college, get a real job, do things regular people do, and stop dreaming. 

I would like to take this opportunity to say “thank you” P.I.T.A.  Thank you for being my crazy- the crazy that keeps me fighting for my goals, my dreams, my designer life that I have worked SO VERY HARD to achieve.  You have learned your place in my life… now go sit in the corner where you belong.

 ~Jenna